We did a “Yes” Day. I learned a lot.

After watching the first episode of The Parenting Test together as a family. One of my children asked us if we could have our very own yes day. If you’re unfamiliar, a yes day is a day where the parents cannot say no to their children’s request. My children previously asked to have a yes day and I have always responded no, It seemed like a recipe for disaster and something that only an influencer family would do for views. However, seeing it executed on the The Parenting Test, let me see that we could set parameters, and it presented as a way to gain insight about how our parenting is going and what our children value. Seeing it as the potential to really get to know my children, I said we could do it. Here were my parameters:

• We had to stay at home.

• It could not involve spending money.

• It could not involve another family.

• And it could only last until it was time to get ready for a birthday party that same afternoon (4:oo pm).

My children agreed to the rules and so it began.

On the show, children asked for things as innocent and sweet as mom and dad can’t be on their phone to the ultra mischevioius of I want to slap dad. My children had watched what these television kids asked for so I wondered how much the television would influence their asked. What I found, is for the most part, they asked for things they always ask for, with one caveat.

• Unlimited screentime

• To dress up my husband and I for a fashion show, including makeup

• To build a living room fort together

• For each of us to make portraits of one other family member

• A milkshake

• To play a trivia game of who knows the 7-year-old the best

• For us to clean their rooms.

• For us to eat food that they made. The caveat lol

I learned that they enjoy the idea of having unlimited scrrentime, but they actually used their screens less than their maximum of two hours a day. They probably spent a total of 30 minutes using screens during the “yes day” time, because they were enjoying spending quality time together as a family, doing nothing but activities of their choosing.

Apart from making my husband, wear a wig and a bit of makeup, they put together outfits very similar to the ones that we would have selected for ourselves. For them, it was about having the power to decide for us, but not a desire to make us look too silly.

They always want to build forts. They build forts often. The difference is they had our undivided attention and we had to help quite a bit in building the fort, instead of my usual style of letting them learn through trial and error. But because of this we built a two-story fort, something that they had not previously created.

The portraits were cute and accurate depictions of each of us.

We don’t eat a lot of sweets in our house. We try to stay away from junk in general. It was not surprising to me that one of the asks was to have a milkshake. They ask for desserts everyday despite being told no the vast majority of time.

The trivia game was cute. The 9 year-old won. It showed me how close my children are. It also taught me some things about my 7 year-old like her “least favorite color” that is not considered a real color is clear and not rainbow like I thought LOL.

I was surprised that they asked us to clean their rooms. One, because it’s not fun and two, because I truly did not think that they cared how their rooms looked… This one was interesting though, because my 7-year-old quickly regretted asking for this because she said she was bored and she felt bad because there was so many items hidden in places and so it was a lot to clean. She even apologized for the ask, once she saw us sorting everything into piles. I told her I was glad she asked because the room was too much for her to clean alone. Because she said she was bored, once we got to a stopping place, we stopped cleaning the room to do the next activity of their choosing. She thanked us for that. Cleaning the 9 year-olds room was very quick and didn’t cause any added conversation.

The last thing was eating food that they prepared. The 7 year-old prepared a plate of “nachos” for me to eat. The 9 year-old prepared a “sandwich” for my husband. The nachos consisted of raw broccoli and carrots, sunflower seeds, dry cereal, tortilla chips and salt and pepper. I have a very strict diet so she did not have much to choose from. For example, I can’t eat tomatoes, avocados, cheese or sour cream. So while the combination was weird, she was tasting as she went, as she was really trying to create something that was edible, but new.

My 9-year-old went the other way. She prepared my husband a gross sandwich and was delighted to see him eat it. The sandwich included ginger snaps, mayonnaise, jalapeños, oats and was sprinkled with paprika. After telling my husband to eat the sandwich and laughing at his disgusted face, both the 7 and 9 year-olds had a bite for themselves and joyfully squealed with delight. However, the 9 year-old felt a bit of remorse for asking him to eat something so gross and started saying things like she didn’t know what it would taste like or exactly what the ingredients were. These statements came after I reminded her that my husband makes her food most of the time. But it was all in good fun.

After it was over, we sat together and I offered a reflection. I said based on what they chose to do, it seems like they really value spending time together as a family. They agreed. This makes me feel really good. Those that know us, comment on how much time we spend together, going out and doing things. I think this yes day served a reminder that we can spend that same quality time together without ever leaving the house. I plan to do more of that in the future.

Thoughts on Colorism

I was asked to lead a discussion on colorism. It went well but there were clear differences in what some of the 100+ audience members wanted to get out of the discussion. I’d like to use this space to extend the conversation.

Colorism, like all the isms, refers to a system of inequity and injustice. In order for injustice to be systemic there must be a clear and predictable way to know who or what benefits and who or what is receiving the injustice. In colorism, those with the darkest skin tones are the ones that receive the injustice and those with lighter are the beneficiaries.

It is essential that we understand this part of colorism. If we simplify colorism as just treating people differently because of the shade of their skin, we not only erase the real and quantifiable harm that colorism has specifically for dark skinned people, but we also leave room for people to center simply being teased for being different. For example, if a child is teased for having light skin by a group of darker skinned children, that would not be an example of colorism. This is an example of being teased, potentially bullying, but not colorism, specifically. However, the reasoning behind the darker skinned children teasing the lighter skinned child could be colorism. In that, those children may have already internalized differences in the perceived value of skin tones and are teasing the child that benefits from the system as a way to help make themselves feel better about being on the receiving end of injustice. A sort of misery loves company type of thing or hurt people hurt people.

I bring this point up because when audience members starting centering light skinned people and their challenges, including biracial/mixed folks it created a conflict around what the actual discussion was supposed to be about.

An audience member brought up higher incarceration rates for those with darker skin as a way to show that it is harmful to devote time talking about playground teasing when there are persistent societal consequences for simply being darker hued that do not exist for the groups that may have been sometimes teased by children trying to cope with being seen lesser than for their rich tones.

Colorism is a complex topic because it is more easily seen within racial/ethnic groups but it is caused by European colonization and an internalization of messages of anti-blackness.

I chose to frame the conversation around what people within one racial/ethnic group could do to counter sometimes unchecked colorist messages. I could have chosen to focus on policy and advocacy around colorism being codified in law and workplace discrimination policies. I made the decision to focus on everyday interpersonal situations because it is an entry point that is available to most. This is what I suggested:

• Reflect on beliefs around beauty and intelligence. Look for colorist messages.

• Intentionally watch media that portrays dark skinned people as beautiful, positively impactful, and as protagonist to help to undo implicit biases around skin tone.

• Counter or challenge colorist messages amongst friends and family as they come up.

While these entry points may seem too little to some and too great to others, I really do believe that if we collectively engaged in these three basic tasks we could move ourselves to a place in which there was a desire by our communities to do something about colorism at a greater scale. It is my belief that we must first realize how ingrained anti-Blackness is within our preferences and beliefs before we can begin to think about how to eradiacate it.

What do you think?

Involuntary Relocation to replace slavery?

Apparently, a workgroup of Texas educators suggested a change to the 2nd grade Social Studies standards. They wanted to compare the ways different groups found themselves in what is now known as the US. They want students to compare voluntary immigration patterns to the colonization of Africa, the kidnapping of African people, the genocidal practices of the middle passage, chattel slavery, and generational trauma currently being experienced by descendants of enslaved Africans. How does one compare colonizing Native land for a “better life” to the slave trade? It seems like the comparison would be to other acts of genocide, enslavement, or racial/ethnic or religious state-sanctioned oppression. Instead, this group of educators, and others, want to compare the filthy, assault-filled, deadly middle passage to a voyage to a new world.

“How does one compare colonizing Native land for a “better life” to the slave trade?”

Sadly, that’s not even the worst part. Members of this working group did not want to call this horrific practice slavery at all. Not even kidnapping. Not forced labor, not oppression or colonization, or anything that might come close to teaching children about the heinous violations of human rights enacted against African people. Instead, members of this workgroup wanted to refer to slavery as involuntary relocation. Involuntary relocation? Involuntary relocation is what happens when your landlord sells the property and the new owner chooses to use the land to build a sky rise. Involuntary relocation is when your parent gets a new job in the middle of the school year, and you must tell your friends goodbye. Involuntary relocation sounds like the title of a Rom-Com where the leading character’s company offers a promotion but says she has to move to accept it, and she begrudgingly moves only to find the love of her life. Slavery was not involuntary relocation.

“Instead, members of this work group wanted to refer to slavery as involuntary relocation.”

Luckily, the wording was sent back to the committee for review. We’ll see what happens. Regardless, we should remember that a group of educators in a state where the majority of children are BIPOC wanted to teach our children to think about slavery as “involuntary relocation” instead of the hate-filled, greedy, and literally dehumanizing practice that it was. If the point of studying history is not to repeat the past, why would this suggestion make it past a workgroup? I cannot emphasize how deeply concerned I am about the state of education in this country. When we think about facilitating positive racial identities, think about how this egregious downplay of facts speaks to the worth of the descendants of slavery.

How valued can a child who knows what happened to their ancestors feel when their teacher and textbook refer to the enslavement of African people as involuntary relocation?

My heart aches for these children.

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Youtube’s Tab Time: A Master-Class in Identity Affirming Early Childhood Programming

As I sat on my living room sofa, watching Tab Time with my daughters, I beamed with pride as they giggled and danced along to the afro-donning, African American Language speaking, Ms. Tab. Tabitha Brown, vegan influencer, entertainer, and entrepreneur plays Ms. Tab on her newest Youtube project, an original scripted show made for young children. The show reminds me of being a young child enamored by Mr. Roger and all of the events of his neighborhood. That is with one major exception: the wise and friendly adult looked like she could be a member of our family. Not only does Ms. Tab look the part but she also behaved and spoke the way we do too.

I realized that this feeling of pride from seeing a part of myself (and my daughters) joyfully singing, dancing, and experiencing life is exactly what an identity-affirming early childhood classroom should feel like. In the first two episodes, Ms. Tab has taught us about physical science, music, feelings, vocabulary, nutrition, and storytelling. She has taught her viewers all of this while being true to herself through her spoken dialect, southern accent, brown skin, and afro hair. 

In a piece published by The Conversation, What I learned when I recreated the famous ‘doll test’ that looked at how Black kids see race, I spoke of the tragic findings of my study with young children who decades later, behaved similarly to the children in the Clark’s doll studies that played a role in school desegregation. Though sad, the findings of the study are worth sharing because they serve as a call to action for adults to create positive images of Blackness and to challenge anti-Blackness in all of its forms so that Black children can develop healthy racial identities and all children can understand the value of all people. But centering race and Blackness is not always sad.

Tab Time is an excellent exemplar of what identity-affirming, joyful early childhood media can be. The bright and kind 20-minute show engages all children but carefully embraces Black children, children that may have internalized feelings of inferiority due to anti-Blackness being ever-present in our society. Because of its joyful approach to emergent academics, Tab Time can serve as a resource for early childhood educators. Since the show is published on a free website, educators can play clips of an episode to get children excited before hands-on learning experiences. Parents can watch the show with their young children and then work together to create the craft or snack of the day. 

With many educators feeling nervous about discussing aspects of diversity with their students because of changes in legislation, Tab Time, a positive and yet racially affirming and educational show presents an option. Racial identity, one’s feelings about their assigned racial group’s worth relevant to the rest of society, plays a crucial role in academic achievement and overall success. Therefore it is crucial that early childhood educators support the identities of their children in a way that makes sense for them. Regardless of the method, I hope that each child is able to feel the joy and warmth that I experienced as I sat in my living room watching Tab Time with my daughters.